What are we talking about today?

Some days have themes. I don't necessarily post something in each of these topic areas every week.

Sunday: Church-related or spiritual things.
Monday: Running.
Tuesday: Books.
Wednesday: Transportation.
Friday: Green living.

08 August 2016

When There Is No Hand to Hold

Lately I've been revisiting my list of "Do Not Listen" songs that I've built during this new life as a widow--songs that made getting through the day harder than necessary, so I put them aside until I was ready to listen to them again. In this process, some songs (like this one) have magically gone from "can't get past the first line" to "can't get through the day without this." Others are back on the shelf. The process has been fun for hearing a lot of music with new ears, with a brain and heart shaped by my journey to a new normal, to a somewhat changed identity.

Source: Jeffrey Spehar on
freeimages.com.
And so it was with those new ears that I heard a line from the It Shoulda Been You cast album: "If I deny part of myself, I risk the rest of me." Strong words for a life that's still trying to remember what "the rest of me" looks like.

Who am I (presuming the answer is not 24601) now? What do I like? What do I love? Most days I have no idea. Most days I'm pretty numb about a lot of things I used to care about. I often say that I haven't had a personality transplant, but 18 months later, I'm not even sure that goofy little joke is true. Maybe I do have a new personality. Have I lost enough of myself to risk the rest of me? Do I even remember what the rest of me is?

I didn't expect this road to be short. But I think I'd thought I'd be farther along it now.

Post title is from the song "Revolutionary," linked above.

3 comments:

joyJ Owen said...

Dear little Su, I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it will all be ok. I know you know you must be, but the road seems a bit out of focus. You are doing brave things and making a life the best you can. One foot in front of another. You might also consider a pet (if you don't have one). They at least provide some companionship and love. Note: My two are snoring away on the couch as I write this! :) Love ya! <3

Sharlan Proper said...

I love your courage!

Ms. Right said...

Thank you for your raw, honest words. You my friend, are an amazing, courageous,beautiful woman after God's own heart.