Rudolph: The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Sorry, Rudolph, but your song should start off, "Rudolph, the really stupid reindeer, had a set of rocks for brains."

Lest you think I am being overly cruel to the proboscisly-gifted bringer of happy Christmases, I invite you to a viewing of Rudolph's Shiny New Year. Baby New Year ("Happy") has run (well, crawled) off, an evil vulture intent upon stopping time is after him, and Father Time asks Santa to send Rudolph to find Happy and save the new year. They have about six days.

Now, Happy is a ridiculously cute baby New Year, with ginormous ears that everyone keeps laughing at. He's off in search of a friend who won't laugh at his ears (and I admit, it made me sad that he couldn't find a friend), and he's determined to crawl all through history if he has to.

Remember Rudolph? The reindeer who can fly, light up the night with his nose, and go all around the world in a single night? Presumably he can also kick with any of his four legs, and give the evil vulture one knock on the noggin that will solve the problem forever. Even if he didn't want him permanently off the bad guy list, I would think he could disable a wing long enough to save the new year, right? Or at the very least, fly faster than said evil vulture?

No. Rudolph sets off on foot with a bunch of friends who are marginally smarter than he is. Meanwhile, evil vulture dude is flying around, always spotting (and kidnapping) Happy just before Rudolph and his gang arrive. They manage to save Happy every time, only to lose him again. The climax comes when they arrive in a town having a 4th of July parade, and the townspeople are still laughing at Happy's ears as he crawls out of town. Rather than fly (or even run) quickly to catch up with Happy, Rudolph moans, "We're too late again!" and sits down to a cup of tea with the city fathers to explain why Happy left in such a hurry.

It's at this point in the movie that Rudolph finally remembers that he has a light-up nose, so they need not stop searching now. Well done, smarty!

So the intrepid searchers catch up to the evil vulture at his nest, get caught in an avalanche, Rudolph melts his way out of his snowball, and climbs up to the nest to rescue Happy. (I would draw the conclusion that the flying only works one day a year, but that doesn't wash with the rest of the Rudolph movies.) He, too, giggles at Happy's ears, before showing off his own shiny snoot to the delight of baby Happy. He then asks, "You haven't heard of me?" before Father Time intervenes to tell us that Rudolph is "too modest" to tell his own story, so the snowflakes & trees have to do it. (Father Time is too kind: the truth is more likely that Rudolph can't remember the words to the song. And I think he ruined the "too modest" take by asking if the baby had heard of him.)

Then, the evil vulture wakes up, starts laughing at Happy's ears, and falls out of his nest. Apparently, he went to the same school as Rudolph, because he also fails to remember that he can fly before crashing to earth.

This is the part of the movie where Chad turned off the TV, so I don't know what happened after Happy was rescued. So, well done Rudolph for saving the cute new year baby. Another time, though, turn in some of your frequent-flyer miles and take to the skies.

Happy New Year, everyone.