Pancake Day

There are lots of things I remember.

Source: Anna Moderska
on freeimages.com.

On February 17, Shrove Tuesday, Chadwick and I spent the evening at Red River Church's Pancake Dinner. He wasn't feeling well, because the blood clot that was hours away from killing him was already making its way through his body and causing symptoms we thought were from an asthma attack. But despite not feeling well, he came out to the pancake dinner because people he cared about were gathering. He felt better as the evening went on. We split some ice cream and talked about a TV show he had been watching before I went to bed.

There are other things I forget.

I forget that other people were also there that night. I forget that the same people who Chadwick left the house that evening to see also saw him. I forget that I'm not the only one for whom the pancake dinner and Chadwick's passing are inextricably linked.

Fortunately, other people are okay with me forgetting. They're in a place to remind me. Shrove Tuesday is about to come around again, the Pancake Dinner is scheduled at church again (not only are pancakes on Shrove Tuesday a tradition, but it's also a fundraiser for our missions). I had already mentioned to the church Planner of Cool Events (not her actual title) that even though I'd RSVP'd to the event, I wasn't sure I was really going to go. And it seems that I was not the only one who'd thought about it, because last Sunday several people stopped to ask me if I was okay with the pancake dinner going on again. Which is not only super-kind, but makes me think they all believe I have much more influence on the universe than I really do.

I'm okay with it. I'll probably stop by to say hello. It's possible my composure will last about three nanoseconds and it will be time to head home. The upside is that since Easter moves around, so does Shrove Tuesday, so it's not the exact same week. Pretty close, though. But I hope I don't have to leave. I hope I can keep myself together enough to stay. Because other people are also grieving the loss of a friend, other people will also be thinking of Chadwick that night, and those other people have been here at every turn for the last year. However sad I might be at the Pancake Dinner, it will feel right to spend the evening with dear friends.

I can remember that.