Are You Going to Read That?

Every year-- I swear, every year-- we get to the end of Banned Books Week before I finally look around and ask, "Oh, is it Banned Books Week again?"

So, yes, it is, for approximately 14 more hours here in the CDT zone. Why is it so hard for me to remember? Probably because it never loomed very largely in my childhood. If books were banned at my school, I never heard about it. I was raised in a home and in an era where I had free run of any library I encountered. Every now and then my parents would catch a glimpse of a book I brought home and have a brief moment of "What's this? Why are you reading that?" and then the moment would pass and I would have learned to read some things at the library or keep them in my school locker instead of bringing them home. My parents' triggers were not hard to decipher.

Banned Books Week came up at work yesterday, though, because it was the topic on NPR, and a coworker started talking about his kids reading The Kite Runner in middle school. My mouth literally dropped open, because The Kite Runner is an incredibly painful book that I could not have handled in middle school. We went on to talk about The Outsiders, a book I was assigned in middle school, and how I reacted so badly to it. Admittedly, I was a weird kid, but at least in those days, we weren't given the tools in school to handle the emotions that a book brought on, and The Outsiders sent me into a spiral of depression and fear that lasted for weeks.

My reaction to middle school reading, however, is less "Let's get these hard books out of schools" and more "Dang, I'd really like to understand the criteria for the required reading better." Like basically everyone else who lives in a world of books, I'm against banning them. I'm less against making age-appropriate decisions for particular segments of our society--I doubt that War and Peace has a place in a primary school library, for example--but I'm not all that wild about how these debates often play out in the public sphere, particularly when it comes to the later years of high school. I'm all for parents stepping in for their young kids and saying they aren't ready for a particular book (again, without conflating "what's best for my kid" with "this is what's best for every kid"), but if your kid who's that close to college isn't yet capable of making good decisions for what she is reading or is unable to sort through the thoughts and emotions brought on by books, then you have a far more serious problem on your hands.

Just for my own entertainment, I dug up this article about parents who succeeded in getting a book pulled from a 10th-grade curriculum, then called the cops when some in the town organized to hand out free copies of the book to the kids who wanted to read it. My favourite bit? "Police arrived after getting a call from 'someone concerned about teenagers picking up a copy of the book without having a parent's permission'." I laughed hysterically the first time I read that, and I still laugh every time. If I'd waited for my parents' permission, I never would have read anything when I was a kid.

Incidentally, earlier this week I saw a tweet (which I now can't find, so I'm paraphrasing from memory) that said that self-censoring what one reads is even worse than a school or town banning a book. It's hard to gauge nuance from a 140-character tweet, but I think the spirit of what was being said was that people need to voluntarily open themselves up to new ideas and not shut them out just because they don't appeal at the moment. I agree with that idea, but am not sure that there's a lot that can be done about it, apart from my relentless "You need to read this book!" that I regularly subject my friends to. Forcing someone to read a book is just as damaging as denying access to it, IMO. (Despite my own bad experiences, I do make an exception for required reading at school. You have to start somewhere.)

Looking for something to read? Check out this year's Frequently Challenged Books list on the Banned Books website, or for a somewhat more personal recommendation, here's my favourites shelf on Goodreads (you can also go to my profile & see all my reviews, if you're really looking to read all the stuff that I like). Grab your library card and have a good time.

You Can't Stop the Beat

I've thought about writing blog titles that aren't outright lifted from musicals, but... why?

So after I picked up my blanket on Saturday, the songs that came up next on the radio could only have been timed better if my life were a '90s teen sitcom. (Which, to be fair, it sometimes seems like.) I couldn't even tell you what radio stations my car has preset; I didn't change them after we got the car, because the person who owned it before me has reasonable taste in music.

I was expecting to be sad once I got the blanket, and possibly need to stop somewhere to pull myself together. But instead I was feeling reasonably happy, or at least okay. And then "See You Again" came on the radio, a song which until now I've not been able to listen to without tears:



And then "Unwritten" was up next, a song which fits well into the things I've been thinking lately about life being a story (and the Hamilton soundtrack I've been listening to nonstop--more on that anon):



So I sang along to both. Still happy. Happier, probably, that I was having such an upbeat day.

Goodness knows I know the power of songs for changing my mood one way or the other (and presumably everyone's, although I suppose there are some who don't interact with the world in this way)--there's a reason I've had to cull my iPod list a bit. No "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" for quite a long while now. I pulled Jason Forbach's "Revolutionary" from the list after one weepy listen while I was mid-run (and I'm pretty bummed about that, because it's fantastic AND I just bought it-- but I'll try it again in a few months). I even had to pick and choose from among which songs from It Shoulda Been You and Hamilton get on the autofill list and which don't--more recently bought songs that are sitting around unheard.

For the moment.

But for all the unheard and temporarily unbearable songs, and it's a list that's much longer than the few I just named, there are more that are very hearable. There are more that I can listen to and feel better for having listened. And there are the occasional surprises, like "See You Again" and "Unwritten," that show up on what could have been an awful day and make it even better. I love that.

So maybe this is what the beginning of healing feels like, or at least what one good day is like. Maybe I'll manage to scrape together a few more.

Old Clothes, New Blanket

Got Chadwick's t-shirt quilt back from Too Cool T-Shirt Quilts. Here's the picture they sent me:

It's too big for me to take my own picture, unless I move all my furniture and lay it on the floor, which I'm not willing to do. It's a bit bigger than queen size. Eventually, when I'm ready, I'll probably put it on my bed. Unless I move to a taller house and decide to hang it up instead.

The quilting is great. I told the woman who made it to surprise me with the backing, and she went with this nice chocolate brown (since, as she pointed out, Chadwick had a fair number of brown shirts, so it went well with the front). Some parts of the quilting matches up with what's on the front side, like this turkey. It's the reverse of the Turkey Trot shirt in the middle of the right-hand side of the quilt.

So, I'm really glad I hired someone to do this instead of doing it myself. I'm even more glad I found Too Cool, since they've been nothing but helpful since my first email to them. And it was an awesome bonus that they have a local contractor, so we got to meet in person when I took her my shirts and again today when I picked up the finished product.

I was afraid getting it back would send me into another tailspin of grief, but so far I'm all smiles and no tears. A step in the right direction.

In My Mailbox

I knew being friends with authors would come in handy!

I messaged said friend a few weeks ago and told her that I'm finally working my way through my neglected to-read list that I had to put to one side while I was still in grad school, and asked where I could purchase her book. Sad news: You can't right now. Happy (for me) news: She arranged to have a copy sent to me.

I just turned in a bunch of library books, so this & my other new books from a couple weeks ago are next on my list. Don't talk to me; I'm reading.

Just kidding; totally talk to me. What are you reading (or writing, or watching) this week?

I Promise I Like Non-Sad Shows, Too

Had another one of my brain-addling "two trips to the theatre in the same week" weeks. I really need to stop doing that.

However, what's done is done. A friend asked if I'd like to go along to a dress rehearsal for Ballet Austin's Hamlet on Thursday, I texted back an all-caps "YES!!!", and away we went. It was a beautiful show, and while it's hard to pinpoint my exact favourite moment, it was probably the beginning of Act II, which starts with Ophelia's funeral. However, Ophelia's death scene at the end of Act I was also amazing, and Laertes' grief at the funeral was almost painful to watch, it was so sad. During the intermission, we had a discussion among ourselves about whether Hamlet's heavy breathing at one point was genuine or acted--it could have gone either way, because he never stopped moving and we wondered how he was not exhausted.

The show only ran for one weekend, so if you missed it it's too late, which is a real bummer. Check out Ballet Austin's Twitter feed for photos, videos, and assorted awesome. Incidentally, I tweeted something about not being able to find many of the Ballet Austin company on Twitter, and they promptly tweeted back with a list of handles. I have never been so well accommodated in my Twitter-stalking, and when I said so with my thanks, they said, "Stalk away!" What's not to like about that, y'all?

@cheekysu Ballet Austin is also on Instagram! Stalk away!

— Ballet Austin (@BalletAustin) September 4, 2015

From Woodlawn Theatre's Twitter feed. Matthew Lieber as
Riff is seated on the left and Travis Trevino as Bernardo is
seated on the right. The costumes were nice as well, as you
can see.

So, in the spirit of seeing more major character death on stage, Denise & I drove down to San Antonio on Saturday evening to see West Side Story. I don't have the knowledge or skill to do any kind of proper review, but I'll try: Mariela Flor Olivo's Maria was breathtaking, and she absolutely stole the show from her costar Kyle Krambeck as Tony. Poor guy was no match for her incredible voice and powerful emotion (not that he was bad; she was just that good). Rounding out my list of favourites were Matthew Lieber as Riff (holy freaking smokes. It's a crying shame that Riff dies at the end of Act I. He was amazing), Alyssa Lopez as Anita, about whom I can't say enough nice things, & Eric Garcia as Chino, whose emotion grew as the show went on. He was powerful in Act II.

The choreography was fun, as it always is in West Side Story, although Denise said at intermission that it's hard for her to believe these guys are all so tough when they keep dancing and snapping at each other. Tee hee.

My quibble with the show is that Anita doesn't get sufficient time to grieve for Bernardo (i.e., none). That's always bothered me about West Side Story. Maria gets a scene of crying and screaming (during which I also did a lot of crying--emotional girl is emotional), whereas Anita gets a song. That she shares with Maria. Not. Enough.

Next up? The Little Mermaid at the end of September, as part of the Broadway Across America tour series in Austin, for which I've finally found a cast list (I think). And there are some other local shows I'm pondering. Gosh, I love living in Austin.

What have you been up to?

Geared Up

I was going to run this morning, woke up with a headache, and after 30 minutes of trying to fight it off, decided to blog about running instead.

Hard as it may be to believe, I am still running! And more to the point, I still get regular questions about running gear. And since I'm a runner on even more of a budget than I used to be, I'm here to help with my suggestions for low-price running stuff.

I also buy shoes during sales tax
holiday weekend, which helps take
a few dollars off the cost. Aren't
they pretty? I love Mizuno!

Shoes: This is the biggest challenge for new runners and runners on a budget, IMO, because not only is this probably the most expensive running necessity, but there's also a huge disagreement among runners over what kind of shoes (or no shoes) are best. My first piece of advice, then, is to always, ALWAYS listen to your body. When you're trying out something new with your feet, pay attention to the weird twinges or strange pains to be sure they're a normal part of adjusting and not a sign something is wrong. Rest, ice, stretch, and all that good stuff in between runs. In short, take care of your feet.

Now, as to where to get them: I recommend finding a place that will do free gait analysis for you so they can make recommendations about what shoes to get--for example, I overpronate, so I buy motion-control shoes. When it comes to buying, I get my beloved Mizunos from Academy Sports (a chain store) in low-budget times and from a local running store in more comfortable times. If Academy doesn't work for you, I also recommend Sears or Target for budget shoes. I don't recommend Walmart because I've never been happy with their selection of running shoes. They have too wide a demographic to be much use in this area, I'm afraid. You can also find deals on Amazon pretty often, especially if you know your brand & size already.

Wicking clothes: It's totally possible to run in cotton t-shirts. I did it for years. But sooner or later, you'll get a wicking shirt from a friend or from an event you entered and you'll wear it and wonder why you put up with sweat-laden cotton for so long.

This is an area where you can basically spend as much or little as you'd like. I recommend finding something with a securable pocket (zipper, flap, something) for your keys and phone, whether that be in the shirt or the shorts (I have one of each). The lower budget items tend not to have pockets, FYI, so it may be worth it to find one piece that you like that costs a bit more but has a pocket and then fill in the rest with less-expensive stuff. My one item is my new Floravelo shirt, which is beautiful, comfortable, and has a nice double pocket at the side that holds my phone and keys without bouncing. I got it on sale at an event, which I recommend-- any running or cycling expo will have lots of high-end clothes that come with nice discounts. Great place to find your one helpful piece.

All the rest of my workout clothes (well, nearly all... read on) come from Sears. I think their generic brand is Everlast. I've been very happy with everything I've gotten from them. Again, I also recommend Academy or Target, and can't un-recommend Walmart strongly enough. Don't even bother. Their stuff is no good.

Almost forgot socks! I have nice wicking socks now, mostly picked up at running expos or as race swag through the years, but socks have never been a big deal for me. My feet tend not to get blisters (yes, I'm very lucky), so I can run in cotton socks if need be. Sports stores will have wicking socks, as do most department stores (but you need to know what you're looking for). Because of my circulation issues, I usually wear knee-high compression socks that I get online from Pro Compression when they're having a sale. But that's not necessary for everyone.

Sport bra: I have only ever been happy with bras I got from Academy. I could with reservations say go ahead and look at Target. I can't recommend Sears here--I've gotten a couple of their bras in the past, but they wear out too quickly to be a reasonable recommendation for someone on a budget, because you'll just be back buying another one in a few weeks' time. Under Armour is my preferred brand for sports bras, and yes, they're a bit pricier than some others, so you may prefer a different brand. Just make sure you get one that fits properly and is rated for high impact sports.

Body glide: I love this stuff and can't recommend it enough to prevent chafing in all sorts of spots. However, I know the price tag can seem daunting--I have sticker shock every time! The good news is that a canister will last you for a while. The bad news is that you basically have to go to a sports store to get this, because department stores don't carry it. The okay-ish news is that you can use regular Vaseline (or a Vaseline-like product), which in my experience doesn't work quite as well, but it does work.

Accessories: I have a couple of fuel belts--one I got at Sears for next to nothing, and the other Chadwick won in a contest. If you're running long and don't want to carry a water bottle in your hand, this is a good option. Be aware that every brand of bottle will leak eventually, and the cheaper ones may leak from the very first time you use them.

I've owned a couple of watches through my running years, but mostly just use my phone. I'm already paying for it, anyway. I'd love to have a Garmin so I don't have to map my runs out ahead of time, but it's not a life necessity, and those things are super-expensive.

Hats or visors are pretty much a necessity for sunny running, as is sunscreen. Protect your skin! I can't even remember where I got my visor, so I can't be much help here, but anything that gives your eyes a bit of shade will do. Just make sure it's a hat you don't mind sweating all over.

Mid-run fuel: I use fruit snacks from HEB. I also like fruit leather, if you have it nearby (try the health food section at your supermarket), and in times when I can find them on sale I use Clif Shot Bloks. Make sure anything you get tucks into your pocket or fuel belt. It's not much fun to carry them the whole time. You really only need this if you're running for more than an hour.

Oh, and I have an iPod. It's not a necessity and I can run without it, but I have a foolproof race day playlist that I love, and sometimes the right song can give you a boost midrun. I had a cheaper mp3 player for a while, so there's no reason it has to be an Apple product. This is another one where you could just use your phone, if you wanted, or go without. I have a harder time finding earbuds that stay put and don't completely block all sound (I run with one ear open to solve that problem), but Walmart has been a lifesaver here. Finally, something I can recommend Walmart for! You can get headphones cheaply there and they tend to last a while despite their low price tag. I am absolutely not willing to buy fancy sport earbuds that do the same thing but cost five times as much.

I think that's it! My running gear solutions/recommendations. Remember, running makes you a runner, not a bunch of stuff, so if you can't or don't want to get all the things I've mentioned, you don't have to. Just remember to listen to your body and pay attention to anything that feels weird or off--knowing what all the twinges and aches mean will go a lot longer toward you having an enjoyable running life than any amount of gear ever could.

New Beginnings

I forgot to take before pictures, but last weekend I did this:

Before we moved, Denise & I each had sizable giveaway stacks for the local thrift stores. I rummaged through hers, as is my wont, and rescued a couple of shirts I thought would be great for doing one of those t-shirt makeovers I'm always seeing on Pinterest. The orange and white stripey thing is one of hers that I stole.

The green skirt was a workout shirt Chadwick got late last year that he only used once or twice, at most. He gained weight after his surgery in November so he had to go up a size in workout clothes, but was only able to start working out again gradually, so I really don't know if he ever wore it. That being the case, it wasn't one I was interested in putting into his t-shirt quilt (which I still don't have, but I'll definitely share as soon as I do). Anyway, since it's wicking material it's nice and soft.

I haven't worn this in public yet. Not sure if I'm brave enough. Although I suppose if I'm not, it was a bit of a waste to assemble it.

I have a couple of other things I'm planning to make from old shirts, which I'll post as they're done. This one was fairly straightforward--cut, then sew--but the next one will take a bit more planning. And I'll try to remember to take before pictures.

Have you ever remade old things into new things? How did it turn out?

More About Summer Reading

If you read yesterday's post about the summer reading program I participated in at church, you may have noticed that I didn't technically answer the question "How does reading aid your spiritual growth?". While answering, I didn't address the fact that I wasn't answering the question (except to take the long way round and come in by the back door, sorta), but I do want to talk about that a bit, because there were Reasons.

1) I don't actually know the answer. I usually don't figure out until much later that something has aided my growth in any area, and my spiritual growth is no exception. I should probably work harder to be more aware of what's going on in my own brain, but geez, that's kind of a scary place. There be dragons, y'all.

2) I don't read a lot of Christian literature, either non-fiction or fiction. That's mainly because after many years of trying to find Christian fiction that I like, I just gave up. Most of it is bad or bland or both. Francine Rivers is writing some great stuff, but most everything else I've read (or tried to read)... I just can't do it. Recommending A Million Miles in a Thousand Years is as close as I get to Christian non-fiction most days. But that's really not a spiel I want to deliver at church, not even by way of explanation that my reading doesn't directly address my spiritual life. I save that speech for when people ask me privately what books I recommend.

Did I ever share this photo after I came home from NYC? It's
an exhibit at The Guggenheim. I don't remember the title,
but the idea is that it's a shelf of books that were never
written.

3) I told Denise when I was preparing to speak, "Reading is like breathing for me. How am I supposed to talk about it? What do I even say?" After I thought over that metaphor a bit, I realised it's a bit overblown--reading is more like eating than breathing. I might get busy for a while and not have the time to read, or even forget that I've missed out on reading much like I might miss a meal when I'm busy. But after a while, something in me will start to ache to be fed. And if I were to go too long without reading, key parts of who I am would start to wither and die. For my mind and personality to continue to thrive, I need a regular diet of books. But how do you explain something that fundamental to a group of people who don't necessarily have that same need? I can't do it. So I dive in with my current read and see where it goes from there.

What fills a deep need in your life? Could you explain it to someone who doesn't share the need?

What I Read On My Summer Vacation

This summer, the church I attend ran a reading initiative to encourage everyone to use the new online resources that the church library has, especially the review feature. Those of us who reviewed books received gift cards to Half Price Books and were asked to answer the question, "How does reading aid your spiritual growth?" This was my answer (kinda... this was what I meant to say, anyway. Not sure how many of these words actually came out in church on Sunday morning). (Also, I understand and respect that not everyone has the same belief in God that I do, and if that is the case for you I encourage you to likewise live a great story with your life in accordance with your own beliefs.)

God, the creator, the master storyteller, has invited us to collaborate with him in writing a great story with the lives that we live. Right now, I'm rereading Les Misérables, a story I'm sure most of you are familiar with. The book doesn't start on a barricade, it doesn't start with a sad little girl sweeping a floor, and it doesn't even start with Jean Valjean in prison. It starts with the bishop in a little town called Digne, and while the bishop may not have thought of his life in these terms, he absolutely embraced God's invitation to live out a great story with his life. And when he encountered Valjean, he invited Valjean to also enter into God's story. The bishop only gets 120 pages of the book (I had the book with me & held it up at this point to demonstrate what a small slice of the book that is), but his invitation to Valjean resonates throughout the rest of the book.

The story of Les Mis is one of forgiveness, of redemption, of second and third and fourth chances. Lots of characters in this book make poor decisions and squander their second chances, but Valjean doesn't, and that's why he's the main character of the 1400+ pages.

I don't necessarily recommend that you read Les Misérables, because it's a long and hard read and you have to really want it. Here's what I do recommend that you read: A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, by Donald Miller. It's all about living a great story with your life. If you're not a Donald Miller fan, well, neither am I, but you should read it anyway.

I wore this shirt today (pictured) on purpose. Greenfield is my hometown, and it reads, "It's where my story begins." I bought it to remind myself that my story began there but it hasn't yet ended, and neither has yours. We all have great stories yet to live. Please, please, please, let God use to you write an amazing story.

And that, my friends, is why I read.

In My Mailbox

Tentatively trying theme days again, so I may as well start with an easy one: on Tuesdays we talk books. So! Only one of these actually arrived in my mailbox, but whatever. All from this weekend:

P.J. Hoover had a book signing! She's my favourite local author, and her book Solstice is somewhere in my top 10 favourite books of all time. I went to get a copy of her newest book, Tut. If you're not reading P.J.'s books, it's time to start.

So while I wandered around Barnes & Noble after chatting with P.J., I found this. I love C.S. Lewis, but am nowhere close to having read all his stuff, and this one seemed apt:

Couldn't get this one signed by the author, though.

So, this book. I've seen this cover all over the internet (well, all over Pinterest and Tumblr) with Eddie Redmayne's face on it as a Les Mis joke. I had no idea it was a book (usually the authors' names are cropped out). So when I saw it on the shelf while wandering around, I did a happy dance & bought it. It's hilarious.

And, finally, the one that actually came via the mail. I have this version of Les Misérables on my Kindle, but I decided it was finally time to own a hard copy. So now I can fight off attackers while reading, if necessary. Seriously, there's a reason fans call this thing "The Brick."

 What are you reading this week?

What Not to Say

I promise I was already planning this post before I read Rachel Ward's excellent piece, "I’m Sorry I Didn’t Respond to Your Email, My Husband Coughed to Death Two Years Ago," (don't click if you don't like to read sweary things!!), but this isn't going to be a lot like that anyway. She's in a space that I'm not up to yet, although reading that gave me a lot of hope for the next 18 months.

If I lit a candle for every weirdo thing
someone's said to me... well, I'd have
to call the fire department.

Instead! I have a collection of weird things people say in times of grief. Humans have a hard time with loss, even though we know it's an inevitable part of being alive. And despite there being hundreds of books and websites and blog posts telling us what not to say, dumb things will tumble out of anyone's mouth in times of stress.

So! I'm here to add to the cacophony with my own Cheeky twist on what not to say. Obviously, as with so many things, grief is idiosyncratic, so your mileage may vary. (And yes, these are all things I've really heard, some of them multiple times. I'm not making this nonsense up.)

1. "He's in a better place."

I don't care. Hawaii is also a better place, but I wouldn't want him going there and leaving me behind, either.

And the second is like unto it:

2. "It's comforting to know that he's with Jesus."

Well, he was with Jesus here, too. And it's not that comforting when I'd much rather he be alive and in my house instead of playing laser tag with the angels or whatever he's getting up to these days.

3. "He's still with you."

This one is kind of tricky, because he believed very strongly that our loved ones who have departed are still hovering round. I've never been able to embrace this belief as much as he did. What's more, I'm not sure that I like the idea that he's standing around watching me feel sorry for myself, or even worse, having fun without him. I'm sure this is idea is helpful to some, though, so that's why I call it tricky.

4. "You're so lucky you don't have children."

Let me say first: Yes, part of me is glad I don't have to get kids through the loss of their father. But really, why would you say such a thing? I lived with the grief of infertility for ten years, followed by the sudden loss of my husband before either of us reached 40. Yeah, I FEEL SO LUCKY RIGHT NOW. Let's go to Vegas and see how my luck holds out!

Just, no. Don't say anything if you can't do better than that.

5. "You're free now."

Get. Out. And turn in your humanity card before you go.

6. "Did you guys know he was sick?" or "Was this a surprise?"

If you don't know the answer to this question before you ask, it's probably none of your business. I honestly got asked this so many times that I started telling people that a pulmonary embolism is an acute condition that can happen to anyone at any time, which is not 100% true, but usually gave the questioner reason to ponder his or her own mortality, preferably somewhere I wasn't.

(By the way: yes, being ungracious is part of the grieving process. Also a key part of my personality.)

7. "How are you?" or "How are you, really?"

Okay, y'all. This is so well-intentioned, so it's hard to fuss, but I will anyway. There are a limited amount of people in anyone's circle who can ask this question and expect it to be answered with grace. (And I can tell you that most of mine have already gone there. If you haven't asked this one yet--don't.) Err on the side of caution. If it's not one of your best friends, skip it. They're not going to tell you, or at least won't want to tell you.



Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you hanging. Instead, here's what to say:

1. "Please feel free to text/call/Facebook me."

Now, I don't recommend this willy-nilly. Obviously, there needs to be some sort of consideration of how good of friends you already were--this is not a helpful thing coming from casual acquaintances.

2. "What can I bring you?" 

For about five days, my answer was "Peanut M&Ms," but that's partly because my sneaky father kept eating the peanut M&Ms that people brought me.

3. "Can I go to the bank/supermarket/library/etc. for you?"

Yes. Yes, you can.

4. "Do you want to go to (fun thing you guys usually do together)?"

Please, please don't stop asking. One day, the answer will be 'yes' again. Don't give up or be offended if the answer is 'no' for a while. Please.

5. Sharing a favourite memory or something you liked or appreciated about the departed person is always welcome.

Note: this means stories like "most embarrassing moment" or "something horrible he did to me when we are kids" are probably not welcome. I'm pretty easygoing and have a good sense of humour, but if you start to tell me a story like that about Chadwick it will probably end badly. Keep those for your own chuckles. Maybe someday I'll be ready to hear them, but not yet.

6. "I care about you."

Good for all seasons.

I know there are horror stories out there. Let's hear it--what's a really stupid thing (or really smart thing) someone has said to you in a time of crisis?

The Darkest Skies Will Someday See the Sun

Well, yesterday was nice & depressing, wasn't it? Thanks for coming back today for something (slightly) less sad.

After melting.

 Another day, another non-Les-Mis crayon art, this time from my new obsession, Next to Normal. This didn't turn out quite like I had it pictured in my head. Maybe the dark colours were a mistake. But, as with everything else I've done so far, I'm probably better off embracing the mess than being fussy about it. This musical is all about life (and death) being messy, and the best thing you can do is keep going on. And so I'm trying.

And despite all my best efforts (and pointing the hairdryer the opposite direction, for goodness' sakes), I still got splatters in what was supposed to be the non-splatter section. Ugh!

I mentioned before that the Next to Normal soundtrack has kept me upright and buoyed for the last couple of weeks, and this crayon art (as well as today's post title) is from "Light," the final song of the show. I'm not kidding about this being a super-sweary show, so if you go digging any deeper, please beware, but this song is safe for all ages:

Before melting.

And should you decide that you can live with the swearing but can't live without this soundtrack for one day more, the Broadway cast album (with Aaron Tveit! and Alice Ripley!) is on Amazon, where incidentally you can order it through Amazon Smile and support the charity of your choice (looking for ideas? Try Texas Bicycle Coalition & help pay my salary!).

I still have one more canvas and a few more crayons... suggestions? I can do non-musical things, if absolutely necessary.

I'm Holding On, and I Won't Let Go

Six months ago today, I woke up a widow. (Be warned that this post is not going to get any happier from here.)

Things since then that should have been major life changes--moving, graduating, complete change of job responsibilities at work, an ER visit--they feel pretty superficial by comparison. (Just for fun, I took a look at the stress scale thing. You don't want to know what my score is.)

I've stopped dreaming about Chadwick for now, and getting out of bed in the morning has gotten easier than it was. I still have an irrational fear of losing someone else at any moment. I don't know what to do when one of his favourite songs pops up on the radio. I've found out just how many times a day I think about something I'd like to tell him when I realise halfway through reaching for my phone that there's no one there. There's still a chance every minute that I'll suddenly need to stop what I'm doing and lay on the floor and cry.

I can't stop staring at his last tweet. And when I close my eyes at night, I still see him laying on the floor where I found him that morning.

On the other hand, I've gotten very good at controlling my emotions, and mostly don't cry in public. Apparently I've been fooling even my good friends into thinking that I'm happier/stronger/more resilient/insert adjective here than I really am. I have a squadron of said good friends who are on call for bizarre tweets or ranty texts or incoherent Facebook messages at all reasonable hours, and even some unreasonable ones. (Thanks, y'all!) I try to vary which friend I'm emptying my brain onto from one day to the next so no one has to hear all of it.

Theatrical therapy (mostly) helps. Friends help. Throwing myself into goofy musical-based craft projects and stalking Broadway & West End actors on Twitter sort of helps. (You know, until they start tweeting about how awesome all their significant others are.) Listening to the Next to Normal soundtrack on endless repeat helps way more than it should, but I'm not about to walk away from something that works this well just because it's not quite an apples-to-apples metaphor for my own life. (Incidentally, that's where today's post title comes from. It's a pretty sweary musical, so don't click if you're easily offended.)

One of Chad's favourite songs was "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables." (This is one of those facts I have to be careful of mentioning to people, because it's an intensely sad-making thought if you dwell on it for a second.) I think he would have loved seeing the version currently on Broadway. I saw it for both of us, but sometime in the next weeks and months and years I'll stop doing things for both of us. One day I'll wake up and realise I'm doing things for just me. I don't know if I'm dreading or welcoming that day. I probably won't know until I'm on the other side of it.

I'm still standing. I'm holding on. I won't let go.

Into The Dark

This weekend, I decided to give the crayons a rest (okay, not really-- I'm starting my next crayon art thing as soon as I get done blogging) and try a different crafty thing.

So, if you spend a lot of time pinning Les Misérables things like I do-- you know what, I'm just gonna assume that you don't. There are quite a lot of t-shirts, mugs, and other things with the Barricade Boys listed & lined up so their names spell out "Revolution" in a contrasting colour. I like these things, although many of the examples I've seen leave out at least one of the less-well-known Barricade Boys, or have Jehan Prouvaire twice (apparently the memo hasn't gotten out that "Jehan" and "Prouvaire" are the same character).

So! I rounded up some supplies, looked at some online examples, and opened my copy of Les Misérables to the chapter called "A Group Which Barely Missed Becoming Historic," where Victor Hugo kindly lists out all the Barricade Boys' names and spells them correctly to boot. Result.

Here's the front:

Enjolras, Combeferre, Prouvaire,
Bahorel, Joly, Courfeyrac,
Bossuet, Feuilly, Gavroche, & Grantaire 

Obviously, I'm not thrilled that the 'N' in "Grantaire" didn't stay red when I baked the paint on, but it's growing on me a bit the more I look at it. Like the revolution gets darker as you go along, which happens to be true, not to mention that Grantaire, as the cynic of the group, would probably appreciate that his letter didn't come out red. Still deciding on whether to leave it or try it again.

In case you're wondering: yes, I left out Marius on purpose. It's more a book thing than musical thing, but he's not listed with the other Barricade Boys since he wasn't really a part of them for most of the story, and since he outlived all of them.

Strictly speaking, Gavroche is also not listed in the Barricade Boys group, but "Revolution" is a ten-letter word and there are only nine Barricade Boys. Plus, he died on the Barricade, too. He deserves a spot with the rest of them.

And yes, I bookended the list with Enjolras and Grantaire on purpose. (Not just because that's how Victor Hugo lists them; unfortunately, I wasn't able to stick exactly to his list order due to alphabet challenges.)

I was going to be done once I had all their names listed out, but on a whim, I flipped it over and wrote "I will follow you into the dark" on the other side. The red paint really is dark and hard to read (which is why the mug looks greenish in this pic; I had to amp up the fill light to make it even readable, so the darkness of the mug was lost a bit), which is kind of the point, I think. Anyway, I know that it's there, even if no one else does, and I know what it means.

Speaking of what it means, it's a nod to this-- George Blagden, who played Grantaire in the 2012 movie version of Les Misérables, is really into the Enjolras/Grantaire relationship, to the delight of many fans, and he covered "I Will Follow You Into the Dark" with a small lyric change to fit Les Mis. I've seen it mentioned in a few fanfictions now, so I'm guessing a whole bunch of Les Mis fans (and especially the E/R shippers) are similarly enamoured:



If you decide that you need to race out and personalize yourself a set of mugs, I recommend the directions here, up to and including the brand of paint pens.

What would you put on a mug?

Overture, Curtain, Lights!

I mentioned in passing on Twitter a few days ago that I'd been to the theatre many times this year-- much more than probably any other year of my life thus far. There are a couple reasons for this-- one being the obvious, that it's a hobby that provides a short escape from my own thoughts and reality and thus is therapeutic. (I wish I could say theatrical therapy is cheaper that retail therapy, but it's not. The upside is that it makes me a lot happier than a new shirt ever could... which is why I pursue my therapy at the theatre instead of the mall.) And the second reason is close on its heels-- it's cheaper now that I only have to pay for one ticket instead of two, so I can go twice as much as before.

So here you have it, a very long list of all the theatre I've been lucky enough to see this year. One caveat before I begin: I rarely have anything bad to say about anything I've seen. I'm a very easily pleased audience member, which is probably why I'll never manage a career as a theatre critic. Imagine a weekly column filled with, "This rocks! Go see it!" Yeah, I'd be fired in five minutes. So this is probably an overly-sunny list.

Once
Courtesy of a friend who won the tickets in a giveaway and didn't want to use them herself, I went to see Once knowing absolutely nothing about the show at all, except that the actors all play their own instruments on stage. I don't know that I've ever gone to see anything without at least some knowledge of the plot. So, it was a delightful surprise to me when they started playing Irish music. I shot off a text to my friend at intermission that was basically "!!! Irish music FTW OMG thank you thankyouthankyou!!!"

Love's Labour's Lost 

Love's Labour's Lost
It's been so long that I've forgotten the characters' names, but the one on
the left is the Princess of France (I think?) and the guy with the matching
turquoise scarf is the King of whatever country this is set in. I really
hope this post doesn't come up in one of their Google alerts later.

I was already planning to see this before I checked out the cast list, because I saw the same company do Much Ado About Nothing last summer and it was sensational. But when I finally saw who was in the cast, I was delighted to not only recognise a few names as people I'd seen in other things, but also to see a guy I went to UT with in the cast. I knew before that he was an actor, but had never gotten to see him in anything. He was fantastic. And so were the rest, so much so that I saw it twice. And I got a poster (unsigned, alas, because the cast were too busy running round afterwards to do the stage door thing) (not that there was a stage door, because it was the roof of Whole Foods).

Love's Labour's Lost
I was way too engrossed in watching the guy that I know that I forgot
about getting any decent pics of him. So, this blurry pic will have to do:
that's him on the far left.

Annie 
Another set of tickets courtesy of my very lucky friend who wins things. I'm going to have to pay this forward sometime soon. This was my first time seeing Annie live, and as we waited for it to start, I said to Denise, "How does this show even end? It's a happy ending, right?" She said, "Haven't you seen the movie?" Well, I have (the old one, not the new one with Quvenzhané Wallis, which I'm anxious to see but haven't yet), but apparently it wasn't that memorable. I do remember my high school drama coach being really unimpressed by the movie version, so maybe that's why I never bothered remembering it. Anyway, the tour was excellent, and as I followed all the actors on Twitter afterwards, I saw Gilgamesh Taggett (Mr. Warbucks) retweeting all the stage door photos, and that's when I decided that it's pretty dumb not to go to stage door. (I never did until I went to Broadway. It takes me a while to catch on to things that are smart.)

Confessions of a Prairie Bitch
Alison Arngrim, better known as Nellie Oleson from Little House on the Prairie. When I was little and obsessed with Little House, my mother often suggested that I should be more like Mary Ingalls. Hahahaha. I was forever destined to be somewhere halfway between Laura and Nellie, but after reading Alison's book and now seeing her show, I'm thinking that being more like Nellie wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world. Got a signed book afterward, which is currently sitting on my shelf like a shining pink beacon. Incidentally, Alison is probably my favourite celebrity on Twitter. She's super-responsive to fans and fun to watch even when she's not interacting with strangers. And seeing her and Melissa Gilbert (Laura Ingalls, back in the day) tweet to one another is priceless. Yes, they are friends in real life, and have been since the day they met, which anyone who's read Alison's book can tell you.

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged)
I convinced my sister to see Love's Labour's Lost with me by telling her that it was fun! And they used body language! And Austin jokes! To make it more understandable for those who don't really do Shakespeare. She is still insisting that I'm a liar. Yes, being my sister is hard work. So, we went to this one with even more promises that it was mostly in modern English, and while she was less than delighted that Romeo and Juliet was mostly Shakespeare's language, she was even madder that I didn't warn her about the audience participation.

So much free Shakespeare in this
city. I love it.

Henry IV, Part I
So after that, Denise was absolutely not going to see Henry IV, especially when she heard it has more than one part. Instead I teamed up with a slightly more like-minded friend for this one, and was delighted to recognise a bunch of the actors again. That's definitely an upside to seeing so many local shows the past few years-- I've seen nearly every actor in Austin at least once. (That may be a bit of an exaggeration.)

The Importance of Being Earnest
For someone who loves the theatre as much as I do, I seem to have been the last one of my friends to see this show. How have I missed it all this time? I don't know. And wow, how many zingers did Oscar Wilde manage to cram into this show? The only downside to this show was that since the actors had to have English accents, for some of them it seemed to get in the way of their acting. (And I've seen some of them before--they're great. The accent just seemed like it gave a couple of them too much to think about.) Still, it was very fun and kept me giggling all evening.

It Shoulda Been You
It shouldn't have closed! Eagerly waiting for the cast album to be released next week. Read what I thought here.

Les Misérables

Ramin Karimloo's face on the marquee. If you've ever seen him on YouTube,
or on the 25th anniversary Les Mis concert, or anywhere else on the internet:
Yes, he really is even better in person.

I may have mentioned this one a couple of times. Per minute. To anyone who would listen. For the last three weeks.

Joe Spieldenner, who plays Grantaire and a couple other characters
(the ensemble for Les Mis is insanely versatile, and also magical at
changing costumes in a hurry). I'm grinning because 1) I was really
chuffed that I recognized him out of costume, and 2) he is an incredible actor
and also really sweet to barely-coherent fans at stage door.

Hairspray
I've seen the 1988 movie, but never the musical version until now. And wow, have I ever been missing out. Turns out I knew a bunch of the songs, but had never seen them in the correct order. This cast is crazy-good, and I once again feel super-lucky to live in a place where I can see lots of low-cost, high-quality theatre. The trip to New York was totally worth it, but it's not like I had to wander far away (as you can plainly tell) to see some great shows.

And that's it so far! Ten shows, eleven trips (since I saw Love's Labour's Lost twice). I have tickets to this year's Broadway in Austin series; the first one is The Little Mermaid, arriving at the end of September, and the national tour cast must be some kind of industry secret because I sure haven't been able to find it anywhere. Before that, I'm plotting to see West Side Story in San Antonio (another one I've never seen live, so I hope it works out), and a friend of mine is in Love Alone, which is also coming up in September.

It remains to be seen whether theatrical therapy works (I have moments, like during Les Mis when I turned to say to Chadwick, "Did Enjolras really just hand Grantaire a gun? Is he insane?" only Chadwick obviously wasn't there-- I have these moments when I think too much theatre may be making the grief worse), but I don't see me stopping any time soon. It makes it better for two or three hours at a time, and that's not a lot to ask.

Do you go to live theatre? What's your favourite show?

Look to the Rainbow

More crayon art! This one is a (slightly modified) quote from the musical Finian's Rainbow, not only because it's a quote I've loved for many years, but also as further proof that I do know about musicals that aren't Les Miserables. :D 

So, the proper quote is "follow the fellow who follows a dream," but I went for a more gender-neutral version for my own wall since the person following the dream may well be me, and I'm not a fellow. The sentiment remains the same.

And obviously the rainbow colours of this piece reflect the name of the show. I'm almost out of crayons, but not quite, so now I have to come up with something else.

The song the quote comes from:


What quote would you put on your wall?

Being Bookish

When Keely & I were making our must-see lists for New York, #2 on my list (after Ramin Karimloo, natch) was Strand Bookstore.

I've wanted to visit the Strand ever since the first time I read Dash and Lily's Book of Dares, in which the Strand is a major character in its own right. If I'd had 24 hours to spend in New York, as was my original plan, I'd probably have spent four of them at Les Mis, five at the Strand, and the rest just wandering around the city in awe.

Anyway! We visited the Museum of Modern Art on the Saturday in New York and I spent about 30 minutes in the room with the wall-length display of one of Monet's ginormous lily paintings (I love Monet, but haven't learned the names of basically anything he painted. Not even the one in my living room), and when we left, I thought about how I should just get a coffee table book of his works and maybe learn something.

So, this:

... is what I brought home from the Strand. (In addition to the magnet in the photo above.) It's gorgeous, it's huge, and it looks so pretty on my bookshelf. And yes, I've kept the price tag on it for no good reason, except that the price tag reads "Strand Book Store" and I'm not tired of looking at that yet. 

It was a toss-up between three books that finally came down to this one because I had already been thinking about it anyway. The other two I was torn between were a beautiful, annotated, hardcover Much Ado About Nothing that had gorgeous illustrations inside (and which I may still buy online, because it was that amazing) and a likewise illustrated, annotated, and all-around gorgeous The Hobbit.

(Edit: here's the Much Ado I'm talking about. Hard to see in the preview how beautiful it is, but trust me. It's fantastic.)

So it's a good thing I ran into Claude here when I did, because otherwise I would have been in the Strand a lot longer than I was.

Incidentally, while I was browsing the 18 miles of books, I overheard a conversation between two other patrons in which one of them denounced the practise of putting a photo from a movie on the cover of a book. Y'all, I found my people. They're at the Strand.

With apologies to our own glorious and beloved Book People here in Austin, of course. They get way more of my money than the Strand ever could.

What's your favourite bookstore?

When Good Resilience Goes Bad

A couple weeks ago, I did this: 

Don't ask me how. The penultimate night of Camp NaNo was taken up with an emergency room visit, the final night my boss asked me to stay late to finish something at work (it was a Friday as well as being the end of Camp NaNo, so I gave him 30 minutes and then headed out), and basically I'm pretty sure nothing I wrote during July is worth keeping.

Here's the thing: I wasn't expecting it to be worth keeping. In fact, I was expecting everything I write right now to be a dark and stormy mess of emotions that will have to be edited for clarity and probably lightened up a bit later. Instead, Sybil (my MC) has turned out to be impervious to pretty much everything.

When I started writing Sybil, I gave her emotional resilience on purpose--it's one of her traits that she shakes things off, at least in public, and is able to carry on instead of hiding under her covers every time something goes wrong. (Unlike her author, who quite frankly would happily carry a blankie and a teddy bear everywhere if that were socially acceptable behaviour for adults.) However, I wrote what was supposed to be a hugely emotional chapter that would finally show some cracks--taking Sybil more or less to her breaking point--and much to my alarm she bounced right back up again and zoomed off without so much as dusting herself off first. I'm not even sure she bothered hitting the ground.

So I tried again, and again, and--seriously, does nothing upset this girl? Is she dead inside? What does it take to knock her off her even keel?

So, obviously, at some point this will have to all be rewritten. But maybe writing isn't the outlet for my worst emotions that I thought it was. Which means I probably need to figure out where they've all been going.

It Shoulda Been You

Today is the last day for this beautiful show to be on Broadway, so it's just as well I don't have the kind of readership to drive a stampede to the ticket office, because it's too late. Which is a real bummer.

Posing with the sign before
the show. Me dressing like
the wedding party was
merely a happy coincidence.

So! When I bought tickets to see Les Misérables, I knew we'd have time for at least one more show, and I thought, "Hey, what's Sierra Boggess in right now?" And so it was that I bought tickets for It Shoulda Been You.

To start: the show description pretty much everywhere does not give away the massively massive plot twist, so neither will I. However, I will say that the writing in the first half was so incredible to build up to THE moment, with tons and tons of foreshadowing that gave absolutely nothing away, only for the audience to think, "Oooooohhhhh," when the moment arrived. At least, that's what it was like for me. (Mind you, I'm the sort of audience member who is always surprised. And reader, for that matter. Anyone who reads as much as me should be able to spot foreshadowing a lot faster than I can, but nope! I'm really good at being in the moment/suspending disbelief/gullibility.)

And I'm also not giving anything away here because I really really hope this show goes on tour or to regional theatres, even though it's closing early on Broadway, and I'd hate to give it away if the show comes near you.

Possibly my favourite line of
the whole show, when Tyne
Daly's character is explaining
to one of her daughters and new
sons-in-law how marriage works.
Indeed, the shoe begins to fit.
Source: It Shoulda Been You
Facebook page.

Seeing Sierra live was incredible; she's even more amazing in person than on YouTube. (No kidding, right?) And it was such a treat to also see Tyne Daly, Harriet Harris, and Edward Hibbert live. And as with Les Mis, I absolutely found more actors to be obsessed with. (Josh Grisetti and Montego Glover, for example, were both amazing, and I definitely want to see both of them live again someday!) And It Shoulda Been You was my first stage door experience, since we saw it before we saw Les Mis. I didn't fight my way to the front, because I was really only interested in getting Sierra to sign my program, but had a nice chat with the woman beside me while we waited.

David Hyde Pierce, who directed the show, has been saying, "You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll be home by 10!" which was true, except for the last bit, but that was mostly because we stopped for some NYC souvenirs on our way home. 'Twas brilliant.

Who Am I?

From Davide Guglielmo on
freeimages.com.

Identity is kinda one of those fundamental things that humans kind of need to navigate our way through the universe, yeah?

I managed to upend mine a bit in recent months, what with graduating and changing my job (and getting a car-- never realised before how much of my identity was tied up in being car-free) and, you know, that other thing that people are a bit nervous about mentioning in front of me.

It's in the back of my mind a lot, that my identity is in flux at the moment as I adjust to this new normal, but it comes into sharper focus when I run across TV shows about teenagers (Girls Meets World, for one) and discover to my horror how much I have in common with their teenage angst. I wasn't planning on doing this more than once in my life. At least this time I don't have raging hormones to go along with it.

One more thing to work through on this journey. Well, I was getting bored of all the other things, anyway.

S is for Sisterhood.

Believe it or not, I'm still thinking from time to time about that A to Z Challenge from 2014 that I never finished. (I totally blame grad school!) Almost there now...

Image from Goodreads.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, series, Ann Brashares.

Wish these books had been around when I was a teenager. I could have learned a lot from these girls then. As it is, having to read them as an adult, I enjoy their journey.



What's your favourite 'S' book?

Runner up: Spindle's End

Not Much to Look at, Nothing Posh

Many, many moons ago, I saw some Les Mis melted crayon art kicking around on Pinterest, said out loud that I'd like to try that, and someone gave me a bunch of old crayons they were wanting to get rid of anyway. Result!

As is my wont, I hung onto the crayons for ages before I finally went out this weekend to buy some canvas and finally get on with it. My first idea was a French flag that said "One Day More," but I changed my mind and went with a line from "One Day More" instead.

"There's a new world for the winning," in case it's not exactly readable.
My apologies to any French readers for what I've done to your flag.

This was not just a fan art project, although it obviously is fan art and it was a lot of fun doing. This was also an upcycling project. You'll see a lot of crayon art out there with beautiful, gleaming new crayons, but I didn't have any of those. And really, when it comes to Les Mis fan art, what better to use than broken crayons to build the little melty barricade? 

While choosing the red crayons, I noticed I had a lot left over, so I went ahead and worked up a "Red and Black" version, too. Once again, I backed away from the original lines I was going to use ("The blood of angry men/the dark of ages past") and went for the slightly more hopeful second half of the verse. I need hope more than despair right now.

This one obviously did not turn out so well with the letters. Not sure how or if I'll fix it. Messy, remember?
"World about to dawn" and "Night that ends at last."

 I have one more plotted for myself that's not Les Misérables themed: a rainbow background with the line "Follow the person who follows a dream" from Finian's Rainbow. That's slightly edited from the line in the actual song, where "person" is "fellow," but I'm opting for inclusiveness over fidelity to the text, being as I'm not a fellow and I may well be the one following a dream.

And I'm waiting to see if Denise wants to do a Stargate or Doctor Who melty art. Or both. Oooh--crossover!

Sticky Situation

I came home from New York with sore legs and feet from so much walking and standing around, and it resolved itself pretty quickly-- in my right leg. I waited to see if my left leg would get better, and when it was still sore and started swelling on Thursday, I gave in and started looking for a doctor.

Why? Because I had a blood clot in one of the deep veins of my leg many years ago, I recognize the symptoms, and I was really anxious to avoid another three-day hospitalization like last time. Ugh.

Here's the culprit! By some miracle,
I didn't take a selfie in the ER.
From sanja gjeneroon freeimages.com.

Here's my problem: Like many people on a fairly tight budget, medical care is for emergencies for me. I don't have a PCP right now, and didn't even have health insurance for the first couple of years I lived here. Unfortunately, not having a PCP means there's no one to order the test that would rule out a blood clot, so I was stuck with walk-in clinics. The first clinic turned me away because it was overcrowded, the second one because they didn't have the equipment to check, which left me with the oh-so-exciting option of heading to the ER. Ugh. 

To keep myself amused and upbeat, I started tweeting the experience, so I will refrain from a play-by-play here--but I finally left the ER at 10 PM with a confirmed diagnosis of a blood clot, in a shallow vein this time (translation: not the kind that's likely to send a clot to my lungs), and a prescription that I still haven't been able to have filled because I don't have a PCP. (I plan to fix that tomorrow, so no worries.) But at least I know what's wrong, and the medication should sort everything right out so I can be back to my usual walking/riding/running all over the place that I've had to put a slight hold on for now.

Not exactly the homecoming I was hoping for.