For as Long as We Both Shall Live

Today would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. (If that's already too sad of a beginning, come back round this afternoon for today's 12 Days of Christmas post. It's much happier.)

Among the many things that no one tells you when your spouse is alive and well is that one day, your anniversary will change. What was once "our anniversary" will be just another day of pain, one that's been overshadowed by The Deathiversary--the happiest day of your life displaced by the worst day.

There were plenty of people at my wedding who aren't here any longer. My grandfather, my great-grandmother, my grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, an bunch of my grandparents' friends I'd known my whole life--they all lie buried now, no longer here to witness the world still turning without them. And so does the groom.

And there were a bunch of
people at my wedding who are
still here, like these two, who are
part of the group I collectively
call "the baby cousins."
They're 15 years older now
but no less cute. Chadwick & I
didn't see a lot of their
growing up years, but we both
love(d) this pic.

People often tell me, still, "he's still with you" or "he's watching over you" and I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand, having an animated conversation with my dead-but-still-here-husband in public is a good way to keep people on the street from asking me for change. On the other hand--I still don't want him watching me feel sorry for myself. Or having fun without him. Or trying to have fun without him and not succeeding. If the burden can't be made lighter by us sharing it between us, then I don't want to share it, not even in my imagination. Down that road lies more heartache than I can bear.

So for obvious reasons I no longer celebrate today, not the least of which is that the marriage that we once celebrated no longer exists. Death has parted us. All that remains is the memory of what was.

But. I've come through two Christmases, four birthdays (two of his and two of mine), a bunch of other holidays, one deathiversary, and one anniversary already still standing--or at least, having gotten back up after being knocked to the ground. I can do another day.